5. NUCLEAR MAN - Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
Nuclear Man is the kind of person whose picture you would see adorning the walls of a 1980s hairdressers. I'm fairly sure my grandmother keeps a picture of this quiffed moron in her purse and hands it to her hairdresser whenever she is in need of a trim. "You in for your usual, Isobel?"/"Aye Sharon, Nuclear the fuck out this unruly mane."
Let me give you the jist of him. He was created when a nuclear weapon, bizarrely carrying strands of Supermans hair, crashes into this Earths yellow sun. He is the bastard child of a doomsday device and, how do I put this...a giant fireball of immeasurable power. Sounds good, yes? It's not. What we get, instead of the epitome of badassery is, a perma-tanned Butlins Red Coat who wouldn't be out of place in a fucking Van Halen video.
He's hot for teacher.
Even more bizarrely, is his death. Despite being born of fire and atomic energy, Superman defeats Nuclear Man by throwing him into a Nuclear Reactor. Which is kind of like you dying by being thrown back inside your own mothers womb. Now enjoy that imagery for a moment before I hit you with...
4. SAURON - Lord Of The Rings Trilogy
ANNNND Tolkien Fanboys just placed a voodoo curse on my soul. Fuck it. Lord of The Rings features some of the greatest minions of all time. The Witch King is fucking cool, as are the Ringwraiths and the Uruk Hai. So it's all the more disappointing when you think that, when it comes down to it, they are being commanded by what is essentially, a possessed lighthouse with an enflamed, incredibly vaginal eyeball glaring at you from the top.
Terrifying.
3. The PLANTS - The Happening
This isn't like some kind of "Day of The Tryffids" type leafy terror I'm talking about. This is a "Oh my God, I can't see anything, I can't be bothered paying for CGI or special effects, so I'm going to film Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel being chased around by absolutely fucking nothing for two hours" type of terror. The plants, in some kind of thinly veiled metaphor for green energy or something, start releasing a pollen which causes anyone who comes in contact with it to feed themselves to lions/throw themselves under lawnmowers/watch this film and die of embarrassment of the human race. In one scene, Wahlberg and Co frantically run away from a slight breeze.
OH GOD CHILDREN, AVERT YOUR EYES!
Right before M. Night Shyamalan wrote this turd, I'm sure he must have had a difficult experience with an umbrella on a windy day. "Oh fuck, why does this keep...Happening?" He said, before tempestuously masturbating over his own genius and cleaning up the resulting ejaculate with a copy of Empire Magazine. The Plants/Toxin from The Happening are the kind of lazy excuses for villains that have me lying awake at night in a pool of hatred, scratching lines of dialogue from The Shining into my inner thigh with a rusty compass and sawing at my wrists with blank DVDs. This film would be immeasurably better if it was 90 minutes of Mark Wahlberg being eaten alive and partially digested by Audrey II from Little Shop Of Horrors.
2. VENOM - Spiderman 3
Rarely have I been more excited about a film villain than Venom. He is the embodiment of power and evil. The alien symbiote which attaches to Eddie Brock, and enhances his already existing strength, torment and anger. It should have been the greatest thing to ever be captured on film. But it wasn't. What we wanted was a giant, pissed off alien smacking several shades of shit out of Tobey Maguire. What we got was...
Like, Zoiks Scoob!
What? Topher Grace? Topher fucking Grace? Topher Grace is the least terrifying person on Earth. I could only be scared by Topher Grace if he came up to me in school one day and pretended we had maths homework due that afternoon. Eddie Brock was an athlete and a weightlifter. Topher Grace looks like he would be physically exhausted lifting a single Malteaser to his feable mouth. And Malteasers are the lighter way to enjoy chocolate. This motherfucker would drown in his own sweat if he lifted up a Snickers.
The man on the left fucking loves Snickers.
This is the part where should I put something really obvious. Like Mr.Freeze from Batman and Robin, or The Gingerbread Man from...The Gingerbread Man. But I couldn't do that as I would run the risk of having Gary Busey flying to my home and peeling my face from my skull and wearing it to hide the horror of being Gary Busey, all whilst my faceless body lies writhing in agony on the floor, my dying breaths spent trying to melt my copy of Predator 2 with a cigarette lighter in some kind of half arsed act of vengeance.
EAT MY DICK, BUSEY.
But no. Number one is a curveball. A big, fat, useless curveball. And it is...
1. Dennis Nedry - Jurassic Park
Ok. Jurassic Park could very well be my favourite film. Depending on the day and how sexually aroused I am feeling. It is the perfect popcorn film. Then in comes Dennis fucking Nedry. Let me just tell you his maniacal evil plan. He will shut down the entire security systems of Jurassic Park, freeing dozens of predatory, perpetually hungry and possibly sexually frustrated monsters from a bygone age, so that he can steal some dinosaur embryos and sell them to a rival company/businessman. What he doesn't realise is that many dinosaurs are incredibly fast and agile, and well...he isn't.
"I am faster than all the dinosaurs and definitely won't die at all." - Dennis Nedry
Soon after stealing the embryos, Nedry makes his way through the torrential rain, and, being a fat, short sighted moron, loses his glasses and stumbles about in the mud for some time until, naturally, a dinosaur appears, which, naturally, he decides to treat like a dog. As we all know, dinosaurs and dogs have an incredible amount in common, despite their 65 million years of seperation, in that, given the chance, they would both crush Dennis Nedrys skull in their powerful jaws and then feast on the shit for brains that resides within. And that is what happens. After a brief foreplay of "Fetch!", the dinosaur does kill Dennis Nedry. At least that's what we think happens. All we see is the shaking of a car as Nedrys terrified screams ring throughout the air. For all we know, he could have just been brutally sodomised. He could be seen in the upcoming Jurassic Park 4 for all we know, clutching his naked, crying torso in the shower and whimpering about his inability to be intimate with anyone anymore.
Artists impression of Nedry being savagely raped by a dinosaur.
Dinosaur rape is no Joke.
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